Middle school or Motherhood?

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like everyone was instantly judging you? I have many times. I mean; who hasn’t? Especially during those awkward middle school days. Starting my walk with Christ has re-opened those intimidating feelings. You are not alone sisters! It’s not that I necessarily care what my peers think of me. It is just so dang uncomfy to be the odd man out. Especially when I have felt that way a good majority of my life. The only exception being my bartending, binging on alcohol, phase. Praise God, that part of my life is over. It’s so awesome we have a savior that lets us become reborn. That really is the best way to describe it. When you start really having a true love for the Lord. I think the only people that understand that are the ones that have had the life changing encounter of Jesus in their hearts. Anyway, I feel it in a different way lately. I live in a very rural part of Nebraska. So people are naturally pretty tight knit. It doesn’t help that I have only moved back here a little over two years ago. The first year I spent caring for my late father. That is another can of worms for a different day. I did not get out much. When you have been through it with life, you tend to kind of become a recluse. I know I did.  Avoiding social interactions as much as humanly possible. Well I have three children and I homeschool so I owe it to them and to God to try and find a community we can belong in. We recently started attending a Church and homeschool co-op. So far we love it. I just can’t help feeling like I do not relate to any of the other women. Other than that, we are all Godly women. I almost feel like I have lived a secret life. Let me list some of the ways that make me feel like that. I come from a broken home, none of my siblings share biological fathers, my dad lived a life full of sin, greed being the biggest one, I left home at fifteen, stayed in an abusive both physically and mentally relationship for ten years, had all three of my beautiful boys out of wedlock, more than dabbled with drugs, and spent a few years deep in alcoholism. Those are just the big ones. Like how do I strike up a conversation without completely trauma dumping on these women. I feel like my conversations with others are so surface level and forced sometimes. But I am trying. These fears of mine are really ridiculous. Nothing in my soul has given me conviction that these other moms aren’t truly daughters and stewards of Christ. So why do I keep letting myself feel these ways? Maybe the years of traumatic life events, ptsd possibly? When it comes down to it, it really is just the enemy trying to drag me away from my walk with Christ. I have never hung out with or conversed with anyone in my past without gossiping, cursing, or glorifying sinful behaviors. So it’s all very new. It is doable though. I talk about things that I can relate to them; our kids, homeschool, previous jobs, and most importantly Jesus. I am here to hopefully let you know that you are not alone and you can overcome these things. Romans 12:4-5 is a great reminder. We all make up the body of Christ. No matter how different we each are. Another important thing I want to mention, I do not know what any of these women have struggled with or been through or done. Nor do I care on the level of making prejudgments of them. My own selfishness by thinking only of me, me, me. Has already kind of prejudged them. I guess what I am getting at is, no one is perfect and when you struggle with a sin no matter how silly it sounds when you start typing it out we can all so easily become slaves to it. Overthinking, over analyzing, and not grasping the bigger picture. Christ died for all of us. Go to Church, put yourself in uncomfortable situations, try new things, meet new people and above all love Jesus.